Maybe it's because things are focused there. I'm supposed to be producing something (or learning something - more and more learning these days, which makes for a curious paradigm shift), as opposed to being at home when I'm supposed to be taking care of someone. And oh, yeah, being lazy whenever possible, because with a toddler you take the pockets of relaxation when you can get them.
So many random things running through my head.
I'm still depressed. Grieving is maybe a better word; but I still experience it as numbness much of the time. Sometimes I try to avoid thinking of her, in hopes that the wound will heal without me poking at it too much; but then she stumbles across my memory, and my heart is broken again.
I managed to run someone off a computer message board. I feel a little sad about it, but also a little annoyed. This woman responded to something lovely Steve had written about Sabella by essentially accusing him of not caring about her and not knowing anything about Siamese cats in general. She wrote that not two days after Sabella died, and yes, I got angry. I also got a lot of people backing me up. This woman did eventually apologize; but last night she posted that the fact that she didn't get any support has made her decide to leave the group. Initially I felt quite bad about it; but this morning there were a dozen posts dredging everything up again, and I had to wonder how the heck my grief had become about her. I wish I'd stayed off that message board. In general they're nice people; but some of them are the sort who are better with animals than humans. (And some of them post messages as their pets; but as saccharine as that sounds, I have to admit it's sometimes kind of cute.) I don't frequent the place; I see threads referenced elsewhere, and I often read when I've lost somebody. I don't know how all of this turned into such a mess.
I've always felt my anger is dangerous. Not to be withstood by other people. Able to drive away the folks who love me the most. So I don't get angry very often; or if I do, I sit on it. I analyze it, and I don't say anything until I've got it clear in my head what's upsetting me. Which can be really, really exhausting. Debbie used to find it curious, I think, that I attributed so much power to my anger (and I have to say in general I don't get really, really mad without cause). Well, here you go: a total stranger has abandoned a message board because of me.
(Yes, I know I'm oversimplifying; it's really because she felt friendless when nobody stood up for her. But you know, she was kind of a witch, and I called her on it, and a lot of people agreed with me, and now she's taking her toys and going home. Guilt and irritation.)
Otherwise, though, things are OK. We're trying a one-week moratorium on tomatoes for Em (which I should've tried a while back; but she loves them so much I kept hoping another answer would leap out at us). I'm hoping it's a food intolerance and not an allergy, but I think the only way we can tell for sure is with a blood test. And after last time, I am NOT HAPPY with the idea of anyone taking blood from my baby. If we go that way, I will do my homework first and find out if they can take it from a finger or a toe instead of her arm. And I'm NOT taking her to see Nurse Ratched.
She changes in little bits. She still goes through clingy phases; but she doesn't always need to be inside my skin anymore. Sometimes just sitting next to her is enough. Of course, tonight she wanted to get into my nightgown with me. She stuck her head outside of the neck opening, and I read to her that way. Some people would tell me she's too old for that sort of thing. I suppose I'd agree if I was the one pushing it. I give her what she asks for, and I try to respect her when she needs me to sit further away. We seem to communicate OK so far.
Steve's been up with her for 35 minutes; it's my shift in another 10. I'm actually quite surprised he hasn't come down yet; she was pretty tired with me, and unusually relaxed. Second shifts are uncommon - but you know, I don't mind so much these days.