The More Things Change
First of all, for anyone who was left hanging by my last entry (because I know I have so many readers!): The repeat mammogram was fine. I have cysts. Big shocking surprise. I suppose the biggest surprise is that they didn't make me go through the same thing last year.
Yeah, easy to make light of it now - but I was really scared. Even knowing there was probably nothing wrong, even knowing that if there was something it would be early enough to treat it - most of us, I think, go straight from "cancer" to "death" in our minds, no matter how many people we know who've beaten it. I think the technician who told me everything was fine thought I was a gibbering idiot, because when she said "benign" I said "Does that mean I'm OK?"
What was odd was one of the things she mentioned caused cysts like this: soy. I used to have a cup of Cheerios and four Morningstar Farms breakfast strips for breakfast, but I got rid of the Cheerios to cut down on carbs and doubled the breakfast strips. Which are - you guessed it - soy. So maybe things are different than they were last year. My head is so much clearer without the cereal at breakfast, though. Maybe I'll just quit the soy a month before my next mammogram.
So. Tonight - with some prompting from her daddy - Em decided I should sit in a chair next to the bed instead of lying down with her while she went to sleep. Oh, progress! I sat in the chair and she held my arm and did all of her usual "keep awake" stuff - clicked her tongue, pulled at her eyelids, squinched her eyes shut, whispered to herself, etc. etc. etc. In other words, she really tried to make it normal. She didn't zonk for me, though, which meant Daddy had to take a shift; and since the chair is so uncomfortable (it's a rocker, which is nice when you're leaning back, but not so nice when you're trying to get close to the bed) he did what he usually does with her and sat on the side of the bed. Out she went - which isn't really a change. Usually she prefers to doze off with me lying next to her; but when she's awake long enough for Daddy to have a shift, he's always sitting up.
He's suggested I try that, instead of sitting next to the bed. I think there's a good chance that will make a decent transition - I'll be closer to her, and give her more body heat; but she'll have more space in her bed.
And...I am sad. I should be excited about this. On some level, I am - it's a first step toward bedtime independence, which of course she'll need before she goes off to college. It'll mean more sleep for me, more time in the evenings to do the things I like to do. But oh, I miss her. I'm rather shocked at how much. As she was lying there in the dark, determinedly working to fall asleep, I started to cry. All I wanted to do was get out of the chair and curl up next to her; but that would have been exactly the wrong move.
Didn't I always say I wanted her to enjoy having her own space? Didn't I always say I wanted to help her learn to sleep without leaving her to cry? Aren't I getting both wishes with this?
Motherhood, as they say, is not for wimps.
I'll write about school in the other blog; but suffice to say, I'm up to my eyeballs in homework, although I'm really enjoying my classes this term. Work is work - I did not get fired or further reprimanded for my email rant. I even sent a private apology to the kid I snarked at. He ignored it, either having no idea what I was talking about, or not much caring. Either way, he and I seem to be able to exchange work information, so I'm hoping no real long-term damage was done there. (Why do I worry about that? He thinks I'm a dinosaur. In one sense, he is right.)
I owe Wendy and Karen lunches, and I owe Kathryn a long, newsy email.
I miss cuddling my baby.