discouraged
Photo taken April 24, 2006 by Steve
I’m tired. I’m depressed. I’m doing everything wrong. I’m losing patience when I used to have buckets and buckets of it. And I don’t think it’s going to get better any time soon.
Em is changing. She’s leapfrogging herself daily with language and understanding and motor skills, and it’s completely screwing up her nights. (Is that all I can talk about - how Emily sleeps???) I try everything, outside of just letting her scream; and nothing is working.
Well, okay. That’s an exaggeration. Everything is working just fine - it’s just taking about twice as long as it used to. Some of it is certainly her size - it’s harder every day for her to get comfortable on my lap. But some of it is just her. She knows now what going to sleep is, and she resists. Well, I guess she always resisted - it’s just that now she’s good at resisting. And I find myself having to close my eyes and count to ten to keep from snapping at her - because when it comes right down to it, I’m exhausted, and all I want is to be able to crawl into my own bed and sleep a decent amount for once.
I didn’t even record this weekend. Slacking off. But I’m discouraged about that, too. I had such enthusiasm for it; and now I’m feeling like it doesn’t matter. I want to keep doing it, I want it to work - but what difference does it make if nobody’s listening? I can publish to a directory, but realistically that won’t make a difference. Why am I doing it anyway? As a time capsule for Em? That’s a side effect; that’s not the reason. I’m doing it because it’s important to me. But if that’s the only reason, why do I care if anybody else listens?
This isn’t a good time to make decisions. Life at the Faceless Corporation is a bit depressing these days, although I’m taking a pretty cool class this week. I just sometimes wish someone would hand me a winning lottery ticket so I could walk away. And do what? That’s the question! Maybe just having the ability to walk away would do it. There are many good things about the Faceless Corporation; but really, in a place that size, the only way to keep your sanity is to give your opinion only when asked, and then cheerfully do as you’re told when they’ve completely ignored you. Yeah, I know I won’t get to be CEO that way; but let’s face it, management has never been in my future.
I used to love going to work. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know that I can blame the Faceless Corporation for the change. The software industry is different than it was. In the 80s, when I first got into it, it was still the home of nerds with pocket protectors - Java was a glimmer in the milkman’s eye, and programming required some actual knowledge of what was going on under the covers. Then the 90s arrived, and the Web made every kid with a little spare time into an HTML programmer. Pretty soon startups were getting into bidding wars over every Tom, Dick and Harriet who’d passed a Java 101 class.
That’s all collapsed now. Certainly technology has gone in an interesting direction - but it requires fewer and fewer people to really keep it going. Employers are picky, and they’re cheap. And as glad as I am that I don’t have more years ahead of me before retirement, I’m acutely aware that Tom, Dick and Harriet are one heck of a lot cheaper to employ than I am.
Feh. Now I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Em gets no sleep, and she’s a ray of sunshine every day. That is an example to emulate.
Monday, May 1, 2006
